The Guilt Lady

The Gift of Guilt

Buy the Book

Price of the book - $13.65.
Rewards of being Guilt Free - Priceless

Ask the Guilt Lady

One of the special services provided by this site is the abilty to ask questions of the Guilt Lady.

You may send a private email. The Guilt Lady may choose to anonymously add your question and her answer below. No names will be used, but, if you choose to not have your question appear, please let the Guilt Lady know.
theguiltlady@guiltlady.com.

Questions:I had been a hell raiser for most of my life. 10 years ago I had a miraculous meeting with the Lord. I had been an alcoholic, addicted to pot and cigarettes. cursing and sex. When I accepted Jesus He took away the cursing and the drinking that night at the alter. It was probably 2 months after my salvation that I realized I did not cuss anymore so cool. I was 37 and had never been married. For the next seven years I devoted my self too the word and serving in church. There was a split in my church and I stayed then I started feeling like there was a lot of error coming from the pulpit. I looked around for 6 months for a home church. I think God wanted me too experience Christian diversity. Every place I went I was ready too become a member. Then I found the church that I felt would be my collage in Christ. I served there 4 of those years. I had always longed for a husband someone who could love me like Christ loved the church. Me not letting patience work a perfect work started looking in the world for my mate. I was on a mission. After several attempts at sinful relationships. I met my husband in a bar. We are both pool players. We met Feb 1 and were married 24 days later. 1 year 1 month and 1 day after we met he was killed in a auto accident. I was driving the car but God has given me a peace about my part in the wreck and I know it was not my fault even though the police report says that it was. Well I feebly tried to hold on too God but how could he have allowed this too happen too me. So I blundered around for 2 years the first year after his death I stayed busy with things that didn’t require a lot of thought but keep me busy enough to not have too live in the pain and loneliness Last January I started drinking again smoking and cussing. I dated several men and am now engaged. We are living together and I believe He loves me but not enough too marry me. I have had financial setbacks starting with my husbands parent keeping all of his insurance money to the tune of 80.000 now my house is in foreclosure. Recently I had an offer to sell the house but because his parents are guardians too his children they have a say. So that buyer is gone. I have been trying too bring myself back too God. I know in my head His thoughts are above mine. I tell my fiancé that I am not making any headway because we are living in sin. Because I showed him a scripture about fornication he read the drunkenness line and said it didn’t matter I had not quit drinking. So my guilt is asking God to forgive me and really receiving that knowing I will probably do what Hurts Him and me. I have been battling the word with my feelings my confusion that I don’t know if I will ever thrill in God again. your prayer and advice would be appreciated.
Response:This all looks like a big fat mess, doesn't it?! Let's start by telling yourself the truth about some things I see in this letter. After knowing a man you met in a bar for 24 days you married, then he was killed in a tragic accident a year later and you were angry at God for letting it happen. Being angry at God for "letting" bad things happen is pretty normal even for committed Christians, which at the time you clearly were not. You can never ever lose your salvation, let's get that clear from the start, but you can and did fall out of touch with God the moment you decided to look for a husband in a bar. The truth is that, probably most of the time, God allows us to reap the consequences of our actions. Yes, God certainly can prevent anything, if that is His will, but it's like having unprotected sex and then blaming God because you got pregnant. You can choose to be angry and blame God or you can choose to say "What do You want me to do, Lord?" Scripture tells us that a dog will return to his own vomit. A very graphic way of saying, we will return to our old habits when things get tough if we aren't careful. You have returned to your old habits of stuffing down your emotions by drinking, cussing and being promiscuous. That's the way you coped with life for most of your adult years so, as bad as it is for you, that's what feels comfortable to your emotions. The problem is that you belong to God and He is not going to let you continue in this behavior without a fight. Your guilt is from God, telling you that what you are doing is harmful to yourself and to others. He will continue to make you uncomfortable until you decide to either shut Him out completely or to stop this behavior and ask Him how to get out of this mess. You are clinging to anger over insurance money that was never yours and a house you never owned. I would check with legal aid to see if there is a way that you can perhaps sell the house and split any profits with his parents. If not...let it go. You say that you know your "fiancé" loves you, just not enough to marry you. What a lie!! If he really loved you, he would respect your need to turn back to the Lord, move out of your house and start a new relationship with you based on biblical principles rather than the world's idea of love. I suggest you throw him out and start working on your own problems without trying to get a man to solve them for you. You keep returning to the bar scene for a boyfriend because that's what you think you deserve. You are punishing yourself for your past by making sure your present is miserable. How's that working for you so far? I am attaching a copy of my book. Print it out, it's only 37 pages, read it, go through the steps and then find a competent Christian counselor to work through your issues with you. Find a local AA meeting to start with. It will take work, but it will be well worth every minute. The truth is, God loves every breath you take, He is delighted with you and He is eager for you to continue down the path He designed for you. "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." Please keep in touch with any questions or concerns.
Questions:I divorced my ex-husband 2 and half years ago for someone else... I have been carrying this burden around for 2 and half years now. What can I do to be happy and not feel like I am the most awful person in the world. After it happened I even tried to take my own life. Lucky it did not work out. I know now sucide is not the answer but what is? I am still with the person I left my ex for and they have no idea that my ex did nothing wrong. Yes, I lied about my marriage and I have that guilt about my ex. It was all me.
Response:First, let me assure you that you are not the most awful person in the world. What you have done is sinned and then compounded it with the sin of lying. A rose is a rose...sin is sin. There is no sin that is "worse" than any other sin in God's eyes. You are the reason Jesus died on the cross ( and so am I). He died as payment for your sin so that you could have an eternal relationship with God. If you have asked Jesus to come into your life, then you have forever forgiveness of every sin you did do or will ever do in your life. If you have no personal relationship with Jesus Christ, let me know and we will talk about that. Forgiveness of sins by God does not mean that you won't have to live out the consequences of your sin. If you are committed Christian and have asked God to forgive you for this mess, then rest assured, you are forgiven by God. God does not want us to carry around any guilt after we have confessed, repented, and made restitution. I assume you have confessed and repented but you have not made restitution. You need to confess your lie to each person you have lied to. But let me tell you first, the statement that your ex did "nothing wrong" is telling yourself a lie. Obviously there was something missing in the marriage relationship or you would not have had an affair and left him in the first place. It takes two to make a marriage and two to ruin it. Let me know if it is ok to send an attachment to this email address, many places of work will block attachments. I want you to read my e-book before you do anything else. It is only about 37 pages and it details the steps and much more about guilt than I can write in an email. People tell me it's a good read so don't be afraid it's going to be some dry book with a lot of psycho-babble. The answer to your question of "what is the answer" is quite simply, God. You do not have to live your life with any guilt. You need to understand that God created you and loves you no matter what. He delights in every breath you take and is anxious for you to get back onto the path that He designed just for you. He has a job for you to do and carrying around guilt is not it. Please let me know about the attachment, I can send it to you for free, or if you prefer you can order it from the web site. I look forward to hearing from you.
Questions: Dear guilt lady, My story is rather long and involved, so I'm not quite sure where to start? I grew up in a Christian home, in fact my dad was a minister. My 2 brothers and I didn't see our dad much because besides being a minister, he also held a full-time job. My mom was a homemaker and I feel she grew somewhat bitter at times because she was left to raise us pretty much on her own. Anyway, at the age of nineteen, I fell in love and got married. My husband could never hold a job and he became not only verbally abusive but also physically abusive. After over 17 years of marriage, and 4 children later I divorced him. I was single for 7 years before re-marrying. Unfortunately, I married a similar type man and now am in the process of another divorce after 15 years and one child later! I feel like a two time loser ! To make matters even more complicated, I have met a man who is totally different. He treats me with respect and does so many wonderful things foe me. He has given me more love than I've ever known. The problem is, I started reading Corinthians and now I feel I am doomed. It speaks of a wife never being able to leave her husband and vice versa. Am I supposed to stay alone for the rest of my life? Will God forgive me for breaking the vows I made when I wed? I feel so awful and I don't know where to turn. I hope you can give me some insight into this problem.
Response: Your problem is a very common one in our society. My own daughter has been married twice and is now engaged to a very nice man. She rushed into a marriage at 18 mostly out of rebellion against God's authority, divorced after 2 years, lived with a man, got pregnant, married him and divorced after 7 years. She is now 34 , is an industrial/organizational psychologist, her daughter is 12 , gifted and a delight to be around. I tell you all of this to let you know that as a Christian, ALL your sins are and will be forgiven. That was the reason Jesus came to earth in the first place. God wants only the very best for you. He thinks every breath you take is an absolute delight. He wants the closest relationship with you that you will allow. There is nothing you can do that will cause Him to turn His back on you. So what about Corinthians? All I can say is that my husband and I have gone over all the scripture about divorce we can find. God hates divorce, it was not what He has in mind for us. When Jesus was asked about divorce by the Pharisees, as a trap, He brought them back to God's original writings in the Old Testament. Then he told them that the law of that time gave them divorce because of the hardness of their hearts. Has human nature changed one little bit since the beginning of time...not at all. Does God still understand our in-born selfish human nature? You bet! Does He still hate divorce? By all means! Are you doomed to stay single? That is entirely between you and God. He has given you some things to really think about and that is always a good thing. I would suggest that you take sometime alone. Find a way to be totally alone for at least a few hours. No kids, no telephone, rent a motel room if you have to. Make a list of everything you can possibly think of that you need to ask forgiveness for. Be honest, no excuses, just get it all on paper. Then take it to God in prayer. Pray each sin out loud to Him agreeing with Him that this was a sin and that you are asking His forgiveness. Once you have said it all, take that list, burn it, put the ashes in a plastic bag , attach the bag to a helium balloon and let it float away. Watch it go until you can't see it anymore. Thank God for His love and forgiveness and refuse to take on anymore guilt for your past. There is one more thing I will pass on that you need to consider before marrying again. You married the same type of guy twice. Why? Because we women are attracted to whom we think we deserve. Your self-image told you twice that you deserved no better than a man who would treat you like dirt. (I am divorced from such a man that I married when I was 19 too) Be very careful about another marriage until you have resolved your image of who you are and what you deserve as far as other peoples behavior toward you. I would highly suggest some one-on-one counseling. A tune up so to speak. This man may be a great mate for you or you may be overlooking the same traits that the other men in your life have had. Something to think about. Please keep in touch and let me know if you have any questions at all.
Question: My father died four years ago, and my mother died four years prior to him. I never cried at neither of their deaths or funerals. My parents died at the end of an extremely strained and angry relationship with me. They were manipulative and controlling my entire life. As an adult, I removed myself from their "game playing," for which I was emotionally punished until their deaths. Their deaths, in a way, were a relief for me. Three years following my Mom's death, my Dad's health deteriorted to the point to where he needed 24 hour care. I moved him in with me, and could only take it for about 2 weeks. He was continuous care, he was incontinent, and unable to care for himself. I had respiratory therapists, nurses, nurses aides, family therapists and physical therapists at my house almost daily. Dad wouldn't let anyone in the family care for him except me. At the end of two weeks I was physically and emotionally drained, and conjured up some excuse to "dump" him in a nursing home. Shortly afterwards, he died. I HAVE NEVER RECOVERED FROM THE GUILT OF DOING THIS to him.For all this time since I have been tormented by nightmares, dreams, guilt and depression. When I think of all the sacrifices my parents made for me, I cannot believe I did such a horrible and callous thing.
How can I overcome this overwhelming guilt? I wish I could see them to apologize for pain I caused them. Please help me. Thanks.
Response: You have a couple of issues tugging at you right now, each of which can cause the symptoms you are having. First, you were emotionally manipulated by your parents, which means you did not get the nuturing and emotional stability we all need and crave. Whether you realized it at the time or not, you were getting messages from your parents that told you that you were not good enough, smart enough, obedient enough....(whatever) to meet their expectations of the perfect child. You did the right thing as an adult in pulling away from the maipulation, but you still had the wounds that had been inflicted on you. Then, out of obligation (because that is what "good" children do) you took your very very ill father into your home to try to care for him. You soon discovered that his medical needs were beyond your capabilities even with home health care help so you placed him in a nursing home. He soon died and the wounds that you have been dealing with all your life are fully opened. I think the Lord is telling you that it is time to clean out those wounds and let them heal. Let me first say that you did exactly the right thing in placing your father in a nursing home and have no legitimate guilt there. Your guilt is coming from a misplaced sense of trying to make a last ditch effort at a relationship with your father who even tried to manipulate you while he was dying when he insisted that you were the only one who could care for him. The dreams, nightmares, depression and guilt are are natural results of wanting to grieve the deaths of both your parents and yet having conflicting emotions about them. We love our parents and want to please them even when they are horrible to us as children. We hate the controlling and the manipulation and yet we want to please them and for them to indicate that they love and accept us as we are. It's an emtional tug of war a love/hate relationship. Let me suggest that you get a copy of my e-book off my website. I don't like to "hawk" my book to people who have asked for advice, but the book goes into much more detail than I can possibly go into in an email. If you can't afford a copy, just let me know and I will email it to you for free. It is short and easily downloadable to your printer, about 37 pages. Read it and let me know if you have any questions at all. I would also suggest that you see a counselor after you have read the book in order to work through some of the isues you have been carrying. By following the steps in the book you will be able to get rid of the resentments you have been carrying for so long and forgive them for the pain they caused you over the years and even to ask forgiveness of them, through God, for the pain you caused them. Please keep in touch and let me know how it is going.
Question: I have 2 very manipulative and controlling parents (especially my mother) who have been verbally nasty to my wife. I've been brought up with my mother's verbal nastiness and she would always justify her actions by saying that she "has a university degree and sacrificed going into the work world to stay at home and bring us up", "she is my mother, she can do as she wants", and it is my duty as a son to do the Christian thing and "honor my mother". My dad would always make me apologize to her even when I didn't feel I did anything wrong as he kept telling me that she would never change, I'm young and I should just learn to put up with it. I've always learned to comply just to keep the peace however my wife after putting up with her for 3 years has had enough of her and wants us to have nothing to do with her. My wife says that she has forgiven my parents for everything they've done to her but says that since my parents will not respect the boundaries that I've tried to put on them, I should only call them on special occasions like mothers day / fathers day, and Christmas and have nothing to do with them. My wife has almost put an ultamatum on me that I needed to choose between my parents and my wife as I felt that I wanted to still keep a relationship with my family despite everything my family has done to us. My parents are doing everything they can to make me feel guilty now and saying that I have no integrity to stand up to my wife, and constantly remind me of things they've done for me my entire life. My parents have been trying to create a lot of strife between my wife and me and it has been working. While I feel the right thing to do is to stick up for my wife, I still feel emotionally trapped with obligation to stay connected with my family. What is the right thing to do? Thank you.
Response: Wow! You are in quite the fix..damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Let's look at the truth. The truth is your parents have used "Christianity" as a tool to manipulate you into doing what they want all of your life. Telling you that it is your "duty" as a son to honor your mother and your father, no matter how awful they are to you. Your father resigned himself, apparently, many years ago to just putting up with your mother's behavior rather than to stand up to her bad behavior. He wanted you to do the same in order to keep the peace. You had the nerve to marry a woman who had not been raised to "go along" with Mom's bad behavior and she has had enough of this game. The truth is, Mom may never change her behavior. She has been constantly rewarded for her behavior by getting her way. The truth is, you are in danger of ending your marriage if things don't change. What's a son to do? Well, scripture says that "...for this reason (marriage) a man shall leave his parents and cling to his wife". In other words, start your own family separate from your parents. Scripture also says that we must honor our father and our mother. What does honor mean? Does honor mean "do what ever they tell us to do?" Most parents probably would be happy to interpret it that way. But clearly as adults we are to break away from our parents and be independent in our family and our way of doing things. The parents had about 18 years to raise us in the way we should go and it is now time to let the bird fly away from the nest and make its own way. So how do we honor a mother that is manipulative and controlling and a father that won't stand up to her? The key is to act in a respectful manner. You can be respectful to your parents without giving in to their unreasonable demands. Scripture tells you as a husband to cherish your wife. That means to put her needs and her comfort above your own. But be careful that you are not "giving in" to your wife's demands much like your father gives in to your mother. Talk it over with your wife. What can WE do to solve this problem. Clearly it is not respectful to cut off all ties with your parents. However, it is respectful to say "no" when you or your wife feel manipulated. You can stand firm and still be kind and respectful. If your wife feels that you are supporting her in her efforts to stop the manipulation she will begin to relax and not be so insistent that all ties be cut. Sit down with her and make a plan. You know your Mom well enough by now to pretty much figure out what she is going to demand in a given situation. Plan in advance with your wife what you two will say and do about it. You are a team. You can handle your mother. Give in where you can, stand firm where you must draw the line. Yes, we would love to come to dinner this Saturday. No, we will not be able to come every Saturday. Why? We have other plans. Your Mother's idea that you are her slave because she sacrificed so much for you is pure hog wash. She chose to do what she did. All parents sacrifice for their children, there should be no pay-backs necessary. It is simply the duty of a good parent. Please let me know how this goes. You may want to get a copy of my book online as a more in-depth explanation of guilt and why we carry it. Thanks for trusting me with such an important issue. If you have more questions don't hesitate to contact me.
Question: I was married at 17 because I was pregnant. We had a second child 3 1/2 years later. From the start the relationship was tumultuous. We both had tempers, but he became physically abusive and he also cheated on me. The cheating just absolutely destroyed me. I felt that he had given away something that was supposed to be for me only. He did it to me twice, with the same woman. I kept trying to revive the relationship but I harbored such resentment and all I wanted to do was hurt him back. Well, I met someone at work that I did start a relationship with. I moved in with my mother who lived nearby. I let the kids stay in their home. My husband and I tried counseling but neither of us followed the rules. It ended badly and we divorced. I married the other man and we have been together 25 years now. Married for 19. The kids( now 36 and 33) have little or no contact with their father.
My problem is this: I have been suffering from depression for about 28 years, only treated for 23 of them. I am sure this contributed to my marital problems, too. Lately I have been feeling extremely guilty about the way I treated my first husband. I was not a Christian at the time. I know God has forgiven me. I can't forgive myself. Irregardless of how he treated me, I should have behaved better. I have this overwhelming desire to write a letter to him and apologize. I keep thinking of when we were first married and the kids were little and I just get more depressed. I don't want to "meet my Maker" with this burden unresolved. What is wrong with me?
Response: What's wrong with you is what I call "agonizing guilt" in my book. That is guilt over something we really did do. As a Christian, you understand that God through the sacrifice of Jesus has forgiven you but as a human it all seems too easy. We are culturally raised to believe that when we sin we must pay for that sin. We must demonstrate just how sorry we truly are for what we have done. Well, if God isn't going to punish me then I guess I will have to do it myself. One of the most effective ways of punishing myself is to depress. Add that to true clinical depression (caused by a chemical inbalance) and you've got yourself some major punishment. The steps to getting rid of the guilt and the accompanied need to punish yourself are in my book. I can't go into great detail in an email so please order a copy from my website. It is an e-book that will be emailed to you and is short enough to be easily down-loadable. But, to make a long story short; Confess, repent, and make restitution where appropriate. When you accepted Christ as your Savior I assume you confessed and repented but it is quite possible that the Holy Spirit is telling you that it is time to make restitution. Write the letter. Keep it simple and only address what your part was in the ending of your marriage. I have a good example of what to say in my book when I had to ask my ex-brother-in-law to forgive me. It can be as simple as "Dear John The Holy Spirit has convicted me that I need to ask you to forgive me for my part in the ending of our marriage. Instead of giving my whole heart to resolving our problems I chose to lash out by having a bad attitude. I sincerely ask you to forgive me and I hope that in the future we can have a peaceful relationship." No long explanations of exactly what happened need to be rehashed. No walks down memory lane need to happen. The relationship is long over and needs to stay in the past. All of this needs to be bathed in prayer as you write the letter and send it. Leave it to God to handle it. You will have done what was required and then it is time to move on. Dwelling in the past is of no use to you or your family.
Question: Hello. I am an alcoholic. I have stuggled a lot in the past few years, with my drinking. I have hurt my family really bad. I'm really sorry for that and I'm really trying to stay sober. I do attend AA meetings regularly but I feel so much guilt for the harm I have caused. Could you tell how I can get rid of this guilt? I believe if I don't get rid of it I will drink again. Thank you.
Response: You are exactly right, if you don't get rid of this guilt you will drink again. Probably, the reason you started drinking in the first place was to "self-medicate", to kill emotional pain with alcohol. Now you are addicted and that's a whole different ball game. You have done many wrong things in your life and hurt a lot of people. I know that through AA you are working the steps and learning some really good things about yourself and about making restitution for your mistakes. Getting rid of the guilt starts and ends with Jesus. He alone paid the price for your sins so that you can be forgiven completely by God the Father and learn to live a life that He had intended for you in the first place. Understanding the complete forgiveness that God is offering to you is the first step. Accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior is the key. I am attaching a copy of my book in this email. It is only about 37 pages so you can down load it or you can just read it from your computer. The whole story is in the book. The steps to forgiveness are there. Pleaase read and if you have any questions at all please write back and I will be happy to answer them. My dear husband is a former heroine addict (from the 60's and early 70's) he acceptd Christ while in a Japanese prison, became a computer geek, then a missionary (a chaplain in a prison) and is now a computer geek again. God really does change lives and "will restore the years the locust have eaten.." You have to do the work, but God gives you the tools and the power.
Question: I have never done anything like this before. I usually talk to a friend, but this time I really think I have a problem. I feel guilty. I don't feel guilty about doing something really bad, but I feel guilty because I think about it. I have feelings for an older married man (he is twice my age). I know that I would never ever act on anything, but I often think of him and it makes me feel really bad. He has a wife and son but I still think of him differently. I told my friends but they all laugh and say that I am just being a girl looking for security. And maybe that is true but I still feel guilty. He is a professor and I see him about once a week and I consciously dress and get ready for him. What can I do? I feel guilty and dirty because I know it is wrong. I can't imagine if I were him or his son or his wife what I would want to do to me. And this is just the start of my guilt. I feel guilty all the time about stuff I have not done or something that has happened fifteen years ago and I was too young to know the difference.
Response: I'm so sorry I did not have a chance to get to this e-mail sooner! Please forgive me. First, let's put some of this into perspective. You are attracted to an older man, your professor, and are daydreaming about him. So far, I see nothing unusual. But, then you go on to say that you feel dirty, then that this is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your guilt. Now I'm looking for causes. It is normal to be attracted to other, even unattainable, people. That is one way that we learn what we want in a mate and what we don't want. Because of that, some men that are established, happily married, confident, are very attractive. It means that you are mature enough to be looking beyond physical attraction and looking for more substance in a relationship. Even dressing better when you know you will see him is normal. It's a way of flirting and getting attention without putting yourself out there. The line is drawn when it becomes an obsession. When you daydream about this particular man all the time and allow your daydreams to take up too much of your valuable time. It is abnormal when you start trying to entice him, get him away from his family, see him outside of class, etc. The clue comes in with the feelings of guilt all the time about things you haven't done and about things that happened 15 years ago when you were too young to know the difference. Where is this guilt coming from? In my book "The Gift of Guilt; 10 Steps To Freedom From Guilt, Forever" I describe 4 kinds of guilt. Legitimate guilt, agonizing guilt, badgering guilt, and contemptible guilt. They all have thier root causes and they all have a solution. One of the keys is to determine which kind of guilt you are suffering from. I think my first question to you would be, what happened 15 years ago that you were too young to know the difference? My first instinct is to guess that you are suffering from contemptible guilt which is most often found in people who were abused as children. Can you tell me anything about that? Your friends are probably not too far off in saying that you are just looking for security. When we feel an emptiness inside we often look for someone to fill that void and to "take care of us" sometimes that looks like it might come from an older man who would protect us from harm. That is a tempory solution to a lifelong problem. But lifelong problems can be dealt with and gotten rid of so don't get depressed. Often we look to human beings to fill a gap that only God can bridge. He is quite able to heal the broken hearted and to give your soul flight. Please consider getting a copy of my book online. I don't want to push sales, I just think it might be helpful to you to learn about some of the different kinds of guilt, their causes and their cures. It's a short book, full of real life stories that may help you to relate. There is just too much information for me to go into in an email. That's why I wrote the book, for people like you who are struggling with everyday life and trying to find a better way. Please keep in touch with me regardless of whether you buy the book or not. I'd like to hear more. Maybe we can work some of this out together.